I want to feel my body more, feel more alive in sensory and somatic awareness. There are SO many blocks to it. It seems like (at least that is what I experienced) women who teach somatic awareness put a lot of focus into sexuality, pleasure and genital reclamation (which there is nothing wrong about). But it is not working for me on a daily basis. No I don’t want to go into it by saying yes to shadow work and delayering decades of the oversexualization of women’s bodies. It becomes hella twisted real fast and I really want to change my beliefs on that. To really unpack my intentions, my wishes, my needs – and to clear myself of the thoughts that others (no matter how good, helpful and healing they might have been and might be) put out into this realm of somatic presence.
Presence – is a magical word to me. It is neutral, observing, holding, calm. And sometimes, presence is not enough – it needs an intention. But what word, what phrase is so magical, that it does not imply harcore shadow work and plutonian internal deep dive AND does also not imply boring, too soft, gentle self care that it does not need sometimes. It will come to me.
Anyways; back to why feeling is hard, or why the act of just focusing on my internal sensations simply does not seem to work a lot of the time. And I don’t feel like blaming my lack of discipline for it (wtf anyway).
The fear of being seen. Being seen in a sexual way which I did not consent to. I mean, this world is fucked, big time. I say this not in a doom type of way, but in the recognition of how deeply disturbed and unnatural all of this behaviour truly is. How many years, centuries, decades, women’s bodies have been property, objects simply to lust over. Beauty is beautiful, yes – I do not blame or shame anyone who naturally feels drawn to, or is attracted to a beautiful body or another human in general. But I believe in sacred spaces – secluded, safe spaces that allow a woman (or man if they need that) to just be a body.
The question just popped up „But why do we have to hide ourselves just so others don’t freak out?“ – okay, if everyone was fully in their bodies, feeling themselves I don’t think this „show“ mode would be that big of a thing. Because the projections stop (don’t they?)

I have no clue. My head is full. This is an ongoing investigation.